Beginning to a New Book

[Capt. Aj0509]

Dear Reader,
I am sorry for what you are about to read. Feel free to burn this, or kill a rather large insect or small mammal with it. Do whatever it takes to get through it, you will like it, possibly. And if you don’t oh well, you are entitled to your opinion and I to mine. Scream it to the world why don’t you? Tell the world that you hate this elongated rant on whatever came to mind as I wrote. Go ahead, they are waiting. SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF TOPS! And if you live near mountains, I suggest not doing that. It may cause an avalanche that could, and will, because I will direct it to, destroy your house and personal belongings, plus empty your bank account, and take your dog/cat/bird/fish/rodent/reptile/amphibian/whatever on God’s green earth you have as a “pet”, and put it in a – I cannot finish this sentence, I love animals. But if you have a spider, I will personally kill it. They are the creepiest things.
We sum this up rather quickly: there is a writer, and then there is a writer. A writer writes seriously, with all point and composition in thought while pen is put to paper. Then, there is a writer. This person writes without a will or way with sort of an idea, but more of ‘not so there’ thought process. That is me, a writer. I have tried to be a writer many times, but every single time, I critique my writing so hard that it never surfaces from the dark depths of my mind from which it came, and, sometimes, I think that I have a great idea, and then: poof; nothing; it dies, like your spider. But, on the other hand, I guess you can say I am neither a writer nor a writer because I have only ever written papers or stories for school, no other purpose…
Anyway, I think that I am just going to start writing and fulfill my destiny of being a writer. I have a feeling that what is going to be in this ‘book’ is, for the most part, anything. Yep, this is my ‘book’, so I am going to write about anything; anything from stupidity, to thought, to morals, to people who do stupid things, to my stances on many subjects, plus, maybe some hilarity along the way. Good? Good. Where would the Library of Congress categorize this? Would that have to come up with a new genre? They could call it: zackfiction. Yes, zackfiction. Hmmm, ZF on the categorization list.
So I guess this is the part where I tell you my life story and who inspired me to write, eh? Well, that is a little too ‘touchy feely’ for my likeness, but here goes nothing:
And, here is nothing.
Exactly.

Yours Truly,
Alex Szymanski
Author of whatever this is
PS. I hope you do not get offended by anything I write in here, but if you do, I have something for you to sign, and if you don’t, take it as a court summons: if you do not sign it, it was still given to you, and you know that it is there:
Contract of Liability
I, (insert name here)__________________________________________________________have read and agreed to the following contract. I have initialed and done so as instructed, and have signed my name down at the bottom, dated, photocopied and mailed to Betty White the agenda for the rest of my life. I have read the previous few lines in the voice of Morgan Freeman, and if I did not, I returned to the beginning of this passage and did so.
The author of this book and his affiliates are not in any way, shape or form responsible for negligence to the reader’s thoughts or beliefs_______(initial). The reader bought this book with all intention of reading it in entirety________(blood sample), and if he or she did not, the author thoroughly does not care ________( sketch of a dog running on the back of a flying whale doing a summersault in a ball pit on the moon in a Tim Burton film while being chased by Frankenstein who is being eaten by a lobster made of Gene Simmons’s hair , unless, the reader is a family member, or somebody the author asked to read the work.
The reader cannot protest this book ________ (spit sample)
The reader cannot sue the author_______(initial)

I fully agree with the crap stated above,
I hereby sign my life away to the author and his work,
I am his slave and I shall do his bidding,

Signed___________________________________________

Date_____________________________________________

[Capt. Aj0509]

Tell me what you guys think

[Col.Il*Duce]

Looks very official